might just be because we’re lucky

It’s Thursday morning and we are the only people in the only open campground on the North Carolina side of Great Smoky Mountains National Park boundaries. It is a cool feeling, not another soul around. Last night we saw a ranger drive through, but before and after that it’s been entirely our place.

Might have something to do with the fact that it’s been raining for two days and is forecast to continue raining for at least another week. Might be because they had the north/south road through the park closed yesterday due to a high wind advisory. Might just be because we’re lucky.

Yesterday evening it started pouring as I was out getting the RV up on the leveling blocks, and it doubled-down as I walked over to leave payment for our site into the envelope drop. Rain was cascading off me. Off the leather hat that kept my face dry, off the jacket that kept (most of) the rest of me dry, and running away in rivulets on the ground.

I think my typical reaction to this may have been frustration, but last night the solitude of the place, the feeling of sole residency and an imagined primacy of discovery, gave me a very contented feeling. I even opted to walk around and explore a little, in the rain, before heading back to to RV. I was wet already, after all.

Oh, and, no cellular, either. Rock on.

on the moors

I have at least two or three dreams that I’ve had multiple times.

Sometimes I only realize I’ve had the dream before upon having it the most recent time, and when that happens I usually try to write down what I can remember, especially if I wake able to recall an unusual amount of detail, which is rare for me, moreso, it seems, as I get older. Anyway, it happened the other night.

It starts at “work.” Not my real job, but I know it’s where I work. This time it was a grocery store, but I think it’s been an office before.

I find a trail, leading out from some unlikely location, like at the back of Lewis’ magic wardrobe. This time it was through a freezer case in the employees-only back of the store.

The trail leads outside, but, per dreams, it’s not just outside the building I’m in but some altogether different outside. It’s always the same here, a winding trail through patches of high brown grass. Some up and down and so much wind it feels like maybe it’s a high trail, maybe a pass between mountains. But it also threads between little low, and maybe even swampy, patches. In fact in my notes from waking I called a “moor.” Likely because Doyle’s foreboding description of that landscape in Hound of the Baskervilles has always stuck with me.

Eventually I arrive upslope to the backside of an apartment complex which is sitting below and in front of me, like I’m on the edge of a shallow bowl and it’s at the bottom. What I can see is very much like what Jimmy Stewart sees in Hitchcock’s Rear Window, the backs of apartments in neat little squares, windows and sliding doors on balconies. I can see people going about their lives from my vantage, but I don’t think they can see me.

There’s a thinner, less defined trail that goes down into the back courtyard area for the apartments and I take it.

I encounter two guys who are outside on one of the balconies. I remember I’m still a distance away, maybe they’re even on the second floor and I’m on the ground, either way we’re interesting interacting from a distance.

I offer greeting, saying something about having “just moved down the street,” although I know this must sound preposterous as this apartment complex is literally in the middle of nowhere inside my work freezer. Even though I don’t understand it, in my dream my mind strongly knows these guys are “straights,” “squares,” and that they clearly aren’t my type (taken directly from my waking notes).

They both react to my hello with physical doubt, shaking their heads and looking at each other as if to say, “No, you’re not from down the street and we know it.” In the dream I know that they know I’m not from around here and shouldn’t really be here. I’m an interloper in some other place and they’re privy to something I’m not, like how all the knowing extras act in the Truman Show.

I see a third guy, an Indian guy, enter their apartment through the front door, I know he lives across the hall. As he’s crossing the apartment to join them on the balcony he’s removing bandages from his crotch, loudly making a crude joke in accompaniment. I can tell immediately that this guy is the comic relief to this sitcom ensemble, and I like and trust him much more for it. He sees me and asks, snidely, “What the fuck are you doing here?” You can almost hear the canned laugh-track in the background, maybe it was really there. I like him.

All of the sudden an alarm is sounding from everywhere, out of the sky. They hear it and I hear it. They look at me, knowingly again, like I should have a recognition I don’t seem to have, should be conditioned to do something on response to the alarm that I’m not doing. You know when you open the door for a dog to go outside but the dog sits there so you look at it and think something like, “Come on, animal, don’t you know what’s good for you? You should know the drill by now.” They’re giving me that look, waiting for me to realize I’m supposed to be doing something.

Anyway I think I must assume the alarm means I’m to go back, and so I do. Regardless this is the end of the dream, or then end of what I can remember.

Hugs.

first snow

Got our first snow of the trip today.

Was on the road getting here, not far from the campground, just before we got on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Great Smoky Mountains National Park is next, and we’re expecting it to be wet as the forecast calls for rain well into next week.

We’re actually as far north now as we’ll be for a while. Next week we dip back south and head into northern Georgia. We’ll explore the Appalachian highlands for a little more than a week then head into Tennessee. I expect more rain, and more cold, but we’ll deal.

In addition to the first snowfall of the trip, we saw real mountains again today. Made me realize that we haven’t seen any appreciable heights since leaving the Guadalupes back in Texas, what feels like forever ago.

It feels good to see the land change. I was getting tired of the sandy soil of the south and it’s nice to see different trees, rivers, and roadways blasted from mountain rock.

It’s also good to be back in the RV after more than a week spent in houses. I’m ready to get back into the middle of some different nowheres, cloistered with the family, warm and dry in the wilderness.

Goodnight.

nonstandard

Saint Valentine’s Day was nonstandard.

Walking around the neighborhood we met a couple who, from their driveway, made the bold, forward, and altogether lovely shouted offer of, “Hey, happy Valentine’s day! Y’all want to do some shots of tequila?” Why, yes, random people we don’t know, we absolutely want to do some shots of tequila. I mean, this is precisely what this trip is about.

Two generous red Solo cup shots (and a couple Newports pour moi) later, and I’m once again reflecting on just how many ways there are to get along in this world. I know I’ve said it before, but what you think is your narrow little path is a lie. So is the tenuous, “limited time only” nature of that narrow path. That’s also a lie. There are many, nay infinite, options, most of which you’ve never even imagined.

And while I’ve learned enough that I can say that, express the sentiment with words, I’m still working on being able to live it.

Goodnight.

connection

A really productive morning this morning, feeling quite satisfied (and you’ll see so by how frequently I use the word below).

Well, “productive” as I measure such things when not working and having no place to be and no time to be there, at least. Spent some time tweaking the next few weeks so that we could make it to the Great Smokey Mountains National Park, something I thought we might have to miss given the loose route I’d put together a couple weeks ago. I suppose it’s not any great feat to “fit in” another stop when, again, we’re entirely free agents… but doing a Google Maps visual verification that the route is feasible does give me some satisfaction.

I was talking to a friend this morning and sharing that we’ve spent the past several nights staying at the empty vacation properties of folks’ I’ve met through work. OK, good friends I’ve made through work, more properly. I shared the thought that it’s nice to be able to “trade on the goodwill equity that strong work-friend relationships can build.” Then I realized that expressing it that way makes it sound too “transactional,” and clarified that the sentiment I was trying to communicate is more the satisfaction I feel when the time invested in making genuine connections between humans yields unexpected, and really undeserved, serendipitous benefits. It’s like the universe rewards the effort expended making and maintaining connections.

In fact, maybe that’s it, y’all. Maybe this is all about connections. Meeting people, knowing people, caring for people, helping people, sharing experiences – good and bad and unremarkable… all the qualities and feelings wrapped-up therein… that’s what really moves me. Something here; need to write about this more; working on a Grand Unification theory, I think.

And now we’re off to finish school and get on the lake in kayaks. Hope everyone has a great St. Valentine’s Day. Hugs.

don’t make ’em like they used to

As I’ve grown older I’ve noticed, I suppose as most do, that a year just isn’t that long of a time.

Recall how they used to drag… school being an interminable slog between summers. Now it’s tax time again, another birthday, and the kids are driving already?

So here we are. 356 days of not working, 320 on the road, 168 of those already behind us, and it’s flying by. It’s surprising to me, as there were concerns in both our minds, I think, about it feeling too long. Our previous long-haul trip was nine weeks and by then end we were itching to get back home.

Perhaps it’s not about the duration, it’s about the ends and beginnings, the transitions. While we’re solidly in it we don’t feel the tug to move onto that next phase, but at the outset everyone’s anxious to just get going and on the return you’re just ready to “get back to normal.”

It’s worth thinking about, really. What defines this “normal?” And if the normal we’re going back to is less fulfilling than the “abnormal” we’re living now, how do we bring more of one to the other? That’s what I want to think about more. What do I like about this trip? What’s changed for the better in our family, marriage, myself?

Maybe I’ll give it a try right now, Sharaun’s driving and Keaton’s riding shotgun so I’ve got the time…

  • I love the time we spent together; the shared experiences which I hope over time continue to ripen into fond memories.
  • I like the time I have to think, or to not think at all. I like having little chores to do around the RV, and the time I have to complete them and gain satisfaction in doing so.
  • I like being closer to what and how effectively our kids are learning.
  • I love walking daily with Sharaun, and the way it affords us captive time with each other to talk about real things vs. routine daily interaction.
  • I like traveling and seeing new places and things and meeting new people, but this kind of feels like a luxury vs. something one could realistically expect as part of everyday.
  • I like the small space and little stuff we have, it makes things easier and faster and less worrisome and busy feeling.

Enough for now. Peace.

how to ruin every morning

Yesterday was rough.

The daily “school fight” with the kids is not improving. With Keaton it’s worse than ever. They question assignments, push back, hem and haw and put in the a absolute minimal effort. Disrespectful and disinterested, their attitude is tiring to us both. They’re not even attempting to get in the right frame of mind, it’s a compulsory grinding-out for them.

With Keaton, this protest has twice now turned into a full-on, “I hate this trip! I hate my life! I hate everything!,” tearful rant.

Tellingly, these outbursts only happen when she’s asked to exert effort on her studies, which to me says that they are more utilitarian than truly existential, and that we don’t likely have to worry about her resenting us forever. In other words, she’s happy as can be as long as she’s doing what she wants, but if she’s asked to do something else, well, the whole damn world can burn. I count this, then, as simple manipulative theatrics vs. true emotional trauma. I was once the master at this myself, so I feel like I can spot the tactic.

Regardless, to see her worked into such a huff, even a self inflicted one, bothers me. I want the kids to be happy. And, lo and behold, when it’s not school time it’s all rainbows and puppies. They are happy, laughing and having a jolly time. I

I don’t know, maybe we’re doing it wrong? I would just like to see them try a little, care a little.

Gonna go for a walk. Peace.