sounds familiar

With Keaton a few months away from graduation, and Cohen heading into eighth grade, I sometimes catch myself grading how well I think we’ve done as parents during these “nested” years; how well we’ve taught and equipped them for adulthood.

Sure, there’s still the rest of our lives for us to influence and impart wisdom, for both of them even, but I think Keaton being where she is makes it feel short. Which is how, the other night in bed, I laid and thought about what I wished we’d done better on.

I wish we’d done a better job fostering open communication between us and the kids, especially around subjects that aren’t easy parent/child topics. As adults I think Sharaun and I tend to discuss the hard and the messy stuff in private, and we probably didn’t set the example or establish the trust and openness required for the kind of radically candid parent/child communication dynamic I wish we had.

I wish we had given more and more useful advice on managing stress and disappointment. I wish we had sought to learn about and offer more tools than limiting ourselves to what we had to offer, which is limited to what we’ve personally developed through our own experiences.

I wish we had established a less-forgiving set of expectations around household participation and sense of ownership regarding household chores/upkeep. We’ve always been pretty lax with chores and the children’s overall role as contributing members of the family unit. We haven’t asked enough of the kids, haven’t held their household work to the same standards as we hold ourselves, and we aren’t consistent with consequences when the little we do ask isn’t done or isn’t done well. I worry that leads to laziness and entitlement when we could have taught teamwork and pride in well-done work.

Like I said, we’ve still got a lot (hopefully) of living left in this world, us and the kids both, with His favor – so these things aren’t yet missed opportunities we’ll go to the grave regretting, and it’s never too late to start working.

To work, then.

Having been away from the first phase of my career for four years now, there are certain things I realize were positive about that environment which I didn’t really recognize or appreciate at the time.

For instance, having such easy access to an incredibly deep and wide diversity of thought. A huge pool of wisdom and opinion which I could tap to test ideas, both work and personal.

When it comes to most decisions, I really appreciate consensus, or at least the luxury of assimilating a varied set of thoughts from others. I feel like my best decisions have been made with the help of a crowdsourced set of input gathered from folks I respect and trust.

Here, I still do the same thing, but I feel like my pool of consultants is just a little less diverse, and gathering it takes more time since I’m not in the same building with literally hundreds of thought leaders on a daily basis.

Maybe a reminder that I need to be more intentional about it.

Did you know the College Board publishes several actual full-length SAT tests along with detailed answers and scoring guides, which can be used as practice?

I didn’t.

But, with Keaton in the middle of her senior year college admissions push (holy crap, what?) I started wondering: How well could I score on the SAT if I were to take it today?

So I scrolled through one of the practice exams quickly the other evening while laying in bed. I don’t exactly remember, but I suppose it was always just reading, writing, and math – and there never was science or anything else. I’m pretty sure that I’m only more literate than I was as a highschool senior, so I doubt I’d do too poorly on the reading & writing bit. It’s more a curiosity re: how I’d do on the math part. How much can I remember without having to look things up? Y’know.

I might do it. That’s the kind of spare time I have again and I love it.

I’ve written about it before, but intentional exercise, with a simple goal of, well, exercising, has always been an odd tar pit for me.

I feel all two left feet, like I know nothing, like I’m the most stupid beginner, uncoordinated without hope of improving. Might as well be dancing – the way it’s intimidating and I’m pretty certain un-learnable for me. Because I feel like I’m doomed to doing it wrong, I doubt its efficacy.

The only way I’ve ever been able to successfully translate exercise into improvements in fitness if when I keep it dead-easy: simple cardio on a regular basis. Something like forcing myself to get on an elliptical for 40min/day or something. The Peloton is good for this, I found the content engaging and the mechanics easy enough and I could make it a habit.

But, even still, it wasn’t something I was doing because I enjoyed it. I guess there are lots of things we do but not because we enjoy them: brushing our teeth, getting a colonoscopy, cleaning the kitchen after a meal (OK I actually really do like that last one). I just hear people talk about how much they enjoy exercise, how it gives them almost a “high.” Let me be clear I had never experienced that before. Exercise was always work-because-I-have-to.

Six months ago, though, I transitioned out of a Peloton slump and onto an actual bike, five days a week, commuting the ~6mi to work and ~6mi back. I wrote about it here.

It feels almost a risk to type it, but, people – riding my bike to and from work is one of my favorite parts of my day. When I’m not able to ride, because of weather or other circumstances, I honestly miss it. I mean, it’s definitely exercise: I get sweaty and huffy-puffy and my muscles feel taxed after. But it’s exercise I’m truly enjoying, which is something entirely new for me. I’ve always had “physical activity” I’ve enjoyed, things like hiking or kayaking or taking walks, but this is the first time I’ve truly looked forward to what I’d think of as habitual/regular exercise.

New stuff… and it makes me happy. Excited to hit the year mark and keep going.

A bit cooler for sunrise this morning, the ride into work should be nice. I think the time changes soon, no more waking sunrises, and I’ll have to leave the office while there’s still daylight or get lights for the bike.

Spent the past several days in Pittsburgh with my buddies for our annual guys trip, which we call Dickstack (yes we are permanently 14). Pirates game, Warhol museum, way too much food. Was supposed to be a Springsteen show but he cancelled. Had a fantastic time.

At work I’m working on some of the most fun, most fulfilling work I’ve tackled to date. I enjoy the challenge and am hopeful about the return. But I’m also weary of becoming too intoxicated with all that, as it’s just so easy for me to let “productivity pride” take over.

Love always.

Been having more dreams I can remember upon waking lately. Has been a while, although I wouldn’t have noticed had I not started remembering again.

And while they’ve not been blue or anything, they’ve definitely had all the elements of a good story, including romance and passion. I’m in bed with an old love, I’m watching a woman I know do things not meant to be watched.

But also I find myself nude (aside from a do-rag on my head) taking a dump in a bathroom only to notice that I’m somehow in the bedroom of the grandmother of my childhood best friend. She’s still asleep in bed and here I am taking a naked shit in full view.

Sharaun says something rude so I walk, and walk, and leave and walk. I find a huge unrealistic tree house.

Those kind of dreams.

There’s water under the kitchen sink. Damn.

Let’s pull everything out and climb down there in that cramped space and probably hit our head a few times and crane our neck and see if we can figure out where it’s coming from.

From the disposal. OK I’ll replace the drain gasket. Still leaking.

And, y’know, I’ve not been doing a very good job keeping up on the house to-do list. There’s that tear in the screened-in porch panel I’ve been meaning to patch, I even bought the patch material like two months ago. I need to replace the screen door handle, too… have the parts for that sitting on my workbench in the garage. Both cars, and the RV for that matter, need an oil change. And shit, man, have you seen the bedside drawer in the guest room? What, we just put all our random stuff in there now? That’s gotta get cleaned out.

Sometimes piled-up things like this feel oppressive, and I find myself in an agitated state, feeling behind and negligent… wanting to fly into a fury of productivity to “clear the list” and feel better about keeping up. I think this is why I’m so anal about keeping a tidy house. When I see clutter around, it makes me feel that much more overwhelmed. I have a hard time sitting down and relaxing if there’s shit everywhere, and it’s easier for me to ignore that tear in the screen panel if the place where I spend most of my time is neat and tidy.

Seems to be leaking from the body of the disposal itself… like it’s cracked or compromised. I have some leftover silicone sealant/adhesive in the garage. I’ll slather that around where the water seems to be weeping out, let that dry, and see if I can stave off spending $150 on a new disposal.

One thing or another.