an undirected movement outward

I said I didn’t know what to expect after we’d past the final artificial “milestone” in our trip, the last checkmark my mind arbitrarily created so I could envision things divided into measurable segments with starts and ends.

We’ve past it now (it was “get to Florida for the holidays”), though it took time, and I’m surprised at my own thinking in response.

It’s a pleasant drifting feeling; unmoored, but in an empowered as opposed to helpless way. An expanding, an undirected movement outward, not linear along a path but spherical growth, a comfortable filling of new spaces as they becomes available. I think it’s what I was playing at this whole time: nowhere to go and no time to be there, infinite time to change plans and improvise, but without the nagging worry of execution to some imagined “schedule.”

I didn’t know if I’d ever really get here, but is this what you free people feel all the time? Always 100% open to the, “Let’s stop here and check it out!,” suggestions? Never not game to stay another day or change plans on a dime? Amazing. I hope it continues to mature, that I allow it to build and flourish.

Could it really have taken almost five months for this neural deprogramming?

Hugs.

hot and cold

I’m always first up. It’s cold here this morning and the windows are fogged with condensation because the propane heater kept us warm inside. I’m looking through the bits that are clear out into a sea of oak, decked with tendrils of Spanish moss, and sweetgum.

The hammock is slung, but it’s probably too chilly to use it today. I tried at a fire the first night, and while it was hot enough to roast our hot dog dinner it never really took well, I think the oak was too damp to get going. I’ll take the remaining wood and hope it dries so we can use it later.

Taking a turn now…

I picked up a head cold, probably from our week at Disney, and it’s kept me up some at night. I’ve vowed not to grab the phone during these sleepless moments, so I’ve just been spending them in my own head. Last night I got tangled there thinking about coming back… the idea of essentially “re-starting” work terrifies me. I built a career, eighteen years…

Maybe I should feel a freedom instead, but I don’t. I feel like, if I’m going to start it all again, why not really start it all again? Reevaluate the whole of things, endeavor to better what I can with the new beginning. Not just the job but everything. How could this transition most benefit our family?

Oh but the old normal has all the gravity! It’s just there waiting, the cushions already worn to fit my rear, the smell familiar. Unless we really consider alternatives, the old normal will just pull us back. Maybe that’s not bad, we spent eighteen years building that, too.

I almost feel like it’s a trap.

“Go experience this wonderful freedom!,” says the World. “Go and explore, see, build amazing experiences and bond with your family in ways you didn’t know were possible! Have time to think, time to exist. Live, truly live!”

But in small text, a disclaimer, spoken two decibels quieter, in micro-print along the bottom of the advertisement, daggered and asterisked: “All lifestyle changes are temporary and subject to revocation upon inevitable return to the rat race. Smoke ’em if ya got ’em.” Something like that, anyway.

Y’all hear that big sucking sound? I’m deciding if I’m going to run the other way. It’s a tough decision.

Hugs.

snowbirds

Man, trying to find a place to camp on the Gulf Coast it Florida in January might be the most challenging “where the heck are we gonna sleep?” situation we’ve faced yet on this trip. Everything’s booked out for months by wintering full-timers. It’s more difficult even than what we’ve experienced at the most popular national parks.

Backing up and catching up, we left the in-law’s place on the Space Coast a week after the new year and spent a week at Disney’s Fort Wilderness Campground. While a week at Disney is pretty awesome, it’s also a week-long death march that ends with sore feet, a bloated stomach, and an empty wallet.

The plan is to make it to the Southernmost spot in the lower 48 and then turn around and head north. I figure we’ll be headed out of Florida again in ten or so days. Our time here is beginning to feel overlong to me, like I felt about how long it took us to get out of California.

I’m ready to head into winter, maybe.

and so on and so on until forever

Forever ago, I remember Washington state and the pouring rain, the heaviest still of the trip thus far. It’s where I discovered the roof leak at the front passenger side of the cab, the leak I fixed long ago in what feels like another, different adventure.

We walked on the beach, out along a natural strand of sandstone jetty, picking through tidepools. We ate dinner out less, cooked mostly in the RV, something we’ve agreed we want to go back to… as it feels better.

We got cheap gas at a casino on the border and got better at the setup and teardown with each successive night. We walked miles of gorgeous bike trails because Cohen wasn’t as proficient as he is today. Today he could ride.

School for the kids felt more formal, we planned further in advance and they were more respectful and offered less protest. I’d like to get back to this, too. School has become difficult and a bit dreadful, we can do better.

That rainy day we walked through the lava tubes, underground and safe from the rain. I can remember it clearly but it really does feel like another time. I like that, that the trip’s appreciable enough to have memories that feel an age ago.

And now, in my brain that loves to segment things, we’re starting the next phase. Exploring far South into Florida, coming back up north and east, and then switch-backing our way through the middle of the country, ratcheting north by latitudes as the weather permits.

Soon I’ll remember this Christmas part of the trip through gauze like the rainy day in the lava tubes in Washington, and the lava tubes will be another epoch obscured.

And so on and so on until forever as far as I’m concerned.

Goodnight, love ya.

detox

I feel better, in almost every regard, when my phone is not with me and I’m unable to compulsively pull it from my pocket to check it or waste my time staring at it, seeing nothing else around me.

I’m realizing the strength of the attachment I have to this device, how addicted I am to it, how much of my time and free-thought I allow it to rob me of. It’s not the device that’s evil, it’s me and the priority I give it, the time I sacrifice to it.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it yet. I talked to Sharaun and she gets too practical too fast: “So what are you willing to do about it? Nothing will change unless you do something different.” Will yeah, duh… it sounds easy when you make it all simple like that…

But, what am I willing to do about it?

I’ve found what works best for me is not having any access to the device. I’ve tried time limiting apps and Google’s built-in Wellbeing tools, but it’s the physical removal of the device from my goings-on that actually gets me back into reality – I need it gone, not just locked-down.

I want to get away from it in day increments. Never even once pick it up, sunrise to sunrise. That’s my intent. I love being able to be in instant communication with people, but waiting a day or two is fine.

Gotta fix this. Life is moving fast enough that I can’t give it any additional advantage by letting it slip by around me as I stare into a phone.

Goodnight then.

bunkbed bonfire

Tonight we sat around the fire at our campsite, one of several small clearings hewn from the tropical jungle that pressed thick around us, ever-growing, inches by the hour, perhaps made habitable just for us, cleared long enough for our weekend reservation, then promptly to again be swallowed-up by hanging vine and saw palmetto and tall, Spanish-moss-drenched, oak, the whole thing entirely absorbed back into Florida overnight, consumed.

It was in a place very much like this, a clearing deep in a thick Florida forest, that I can recall attending my magical coming of age ceremony. A very physical rendition of death and rebirth; a transmogrification, from youth into adulthood: a bunkbed bonfire.

I must have been about fifteen when I asked my parents if I could get rid of the bunkbeds I had long had (bunkbeds just for me, not shared, don’t know why) and upgrade to a waterbed (all the rage at the time). For whatever reason, they assented, and my old bunkbed was moved out back alongside the house to be trashed.

Don’t know who had the idea, but suspect it was me. The bedframe was massive, tall, wooden. It took the three or four of us a good while to chop it into pieces small enough to fit into wheelbarrows and wagons. It was so much wood. We used our bikes, and many trips back and forth, to cart it, splintered and still ridden with nails and staples, across the subdivision to Kyle’s place. There, we piled it to be caravanned once more into our campground.

We then moved that entire chopped-up bunkbed, the very cradle of my youth, by hand the final quarter-mile of trail, bushwhacked by us with machetes, from Kyle’s uncle’s backyard out to the little sandy-bottom clearing where we often camped on the weekends and in the summer.

And then it was there: The bed that I’d read all the Hardy Boys and Ramona Quimby books on. The bed that I’d taped pictures of women in lingerie I’d clipped from the JC Penney catalog to. The bed where I’d awaken from nightmares so terrified I couldn’t make myself scream for mom. The bed I’d had forever. Now just a pile of sharp sticks; tinder, fuel.

And that night we burned it in a large hole we’d dug with shovels, a burm of displaced dirt ringing the thing. Piece by piece, early into the morning, we reduced that childhood heirloom entirely to plasma and heat and smoke and soot and ash. Gone; burned; offered to the Gods in exchange for facial hair and a learner’s permit. One childhood: well-done, extra-crispy, blackened.

And so passed the era of the bunkbed and thus began the era of the waterbed. Fine epochs both, to be sure, but the latter with far more sexual energy than the former.

A funeral pyre, a bier for my childhood, adolescence chief pallbearer.

left behind

Cohen hasn’t quite mastered riding a bike yet.

OK, so he can ride his bike… meaning he’s mostly able to stay up once he’s up, but he struggles mightily with the starting and stopping. So every time he wants to get going he needs the tiniest little push from someone. (Actually, he doesn’t really need any forward momentum, he just needs the bike held stable for the smallest of moments so he can get his foot around and get going, but he doesn’t realize this and thinks he needs the push-start.)

He was a late learner to begin with, never really showed that much interest. For a while a had a lot of “dad guilt” about it, actually. Maybe I hadn’t spent enough “man time” with him, hadn’t spurred him on, maybe I’d failed to impart just how much independence and freedom betting able to ride a bike lends to a kid. I mean, I never taught him to throw or catch, either… maybe I’m screwing up all the father stuff.

Wait, this is not about me and where my ego is thin when held to the West’s toxic version of masculinity, let’s move on.

Anyway, we’re camping with the cousins on Jacksonville beach this weekend and all the kids are biking. Zooming around the campground loops, bombing down the sandy Florida hills, conveying themselves to the beach or wherever they please. They’re all starting and stopping and riding and not crashing…

And Cohen wants so badly to participate, to be part of the crew, to run with them – but he can’t keep up. Oh, guys, I’m telling you it’s positively heartbreaking for me to watch his spirits flag as he realizes they’re leaving him behind because he had to stop and now must wait for a push to get going again. I swear I’m experiencing his frustration and sadness myself, maybe moreso than he is.

Worse, he lets this frustration morph into an absolute fit, a breakdown of tears and anger and lashing out at anything he can blame. A root, a speedbump or pothole, a sister riding to close astride… anything will do as long as it’s not the fact that he just hasn’t got it mastered yet. Sadly he also doesn’t get that this behavior also sets him apart in his peers’ eyes, also as someone “younger” or “babyish,” dealing a double-blow against his desire to hang with the older kids.

I say it’s hard to watch, but watch I must, and he’s got to learn. In fact, yesterday Sharaun’s sister helped him (he’s got very little patience for lessons from me, especially when he’s frustrated) and he was able to get going without assistance several times. Fingers crossed that maybe today is a watershed moment for him & it clicks.

Go Cohen, I love you little dude. You got this.