Author: Dave

Posted on

roll your own

I am the winner!
I’m off vacation, I’m off vacation (read it again, as a funeral dirge). Yes yes y’all, it’s over. It was rad to the bone while it lasted, filled with relaxing days of blessed unproductively and unabashed laziness. Alas, the week is at an end and by the time this is posted I’ll be back at work, busily climbing the corporate ladder. It’s cool though, I’m refreshed and actually kinda ready to get back to things left cold on my plate a week past. I mean, I’m just sitting here on bellyful of tri-tip omelet, fresh off a splendid leisurely dump, ripping through my CD collection. What am I saying, this rocks. Work blows. Where’s that winning lottery ticket?

Somehow, we got to talking about the whole toilet paper discussion the other night – and my earlier entry about the mechanics of my wipe. People were in general agreement that the “kinda stand up and wipe from behind” technique which I employ isn’t that odd at all, which made me feel better – but then we delved into more detail and I was once again made to feel alone in my wiping style. See, we decided to discuss not just the “direction” of wipe, but the TP usage model as well. So, how to you use the paper? My answer brought forth laughter, shock, and mocking. However, like my previous fears about my strange wiping techniques – the internet helped me to feel a bit less “unique.” (Not that the internet is a good place to judge the weirdness or non-weirdness of your actions or anything).

According to this page, 20% of people admit to using TP the way I do: the “whole-hand wrap.” That’s right. I forsake the more popular “wad” and “fold” techniques for what I consider to be a far superior method. It goes something like this: take TP in hand and grasp the lead edge between thumb and inner palm, now spin roll around hand to get hygienic “mummy-like” coverage (if you cannot remove the roll from the spinny thing, you must unravel a long span and manually wrap). It’s best to cover from the top of the palm to about a half-inch below the fingertips. Now take the karate-chop edge of the hand and pinky and use as the primary wiping-surface. Once you’ve used this section of the wrap, and with a little practice, you’ll learn to rotate the entire TP glove to a clean spot and reuse – all with one hand. Usually three rotations’ll do it clean. At this point, depending on the tightness of your wrap, you can either unravel the TP into the bowl using a gentle circular shaking motion, or alternatively spread your fingers and break through the paper straightjacket ala Bruce Banner’s Hulk-transformation shirt ripping.


getting ready to wrap		        
a couple rotations to rule out any
single-layer bleeding
 

tightly wound, nice coverage		        
powerful, yet clean, hands bust through
the feces-coated paper sheath

And that’s it, no chance of poo on the hand as I would imagine you risk with either the “wad” or “fold” technique. Am I a savage for this? I mean, is this not more sensible than simply shoving a “wad” of paper up your butt? A wad which may or may not provide 100% hand-coverage? So, next time you’re at my house and you catch yourself wondering why all the rolls of toilet paper are loose and sitting on top of the spinny thing rather than inserted through it as normal – you’ll know why. Mock me if you will, I found what works for me and America tells me to embrace it rather than change it because society deems it “odd.” So to summarize – I wipe in a semi-upright position, from bottom to top, and with the paper wrapped around my entire hand. What a site this ritual must be for an observer, I shudder to think.

My upcoming travel plans have morphed so much in the past week not even I know what’s really going on. I think, that it goes something like: Houston to Taiwan, and scrapping the Japan visit for another week in Taiwan. I was kinda bummed that the Japan stint got canned, but there’ll be other chances I guess – I was just looking forward to the newness. The good bit, Pat and Anthony will be in Taiwan that 2nd week, so I’ll have some people to hang out with and whatnot. Also sounds like I’ll be headed to Oregon again next week to teach some kinda class. In other work news, my boss decided to take a different job – so in a short while I’ll be bossless and anxiously awaiting the appointment of a new good, or bad, leader. I have some concerns there, but it’s out of my hands – so I just do what bossman says (whoever bossman may be that day).

After a week of laid-back vacationing with Sharaun’s folks, and a semi-forced relapse into a slow southern drawl, I’m realizing how much I enjoy spending time with family. I mean, the in-laws used to be this intimidating bunch of people from whom I desired acceptance. After four years of marriage, it’s clear they approve of my union to their eldest, and even that we enjoy each others’ company. Much to my surprise, Sharaun’s dad and I agree on a great many things – more so than I ever would’ve imagined. The thing that probably floored me the most: he’s a die-hard Democrat and thinks Bush is making a mess of the good ol’ USofA. I dunno why I was so surprised by it, I just associate Southerners with conservatism or something. Actually, politically, he’s a lot like me. Not a rabid Dem, but not a rabid member of the GOP either – somewhere down the middle, and not afraid to vote for a dude regardless of party affiliation. Surprising, but nice.

Dave out.

Posted on

me, i whistle all the time

Guess!.
I’m on vacation, I’m on vacation (read it again, mockingly sing-song this time, like kids on the ballfield, y’know?). No, really. I’m on vacation. A week of time off, today being day #1. Sharaun’s folks don’t get here until late (10ish), so I have the whole day tomorrow to work in the yard, write, sleep, or maybe cook something. Cook something?

I was thinking the other day about the talent of whistling. Some people can’t whistle; me, I whistle all the time. I actually prefer whistling along to music over singing, perhaps because I tend to favor the tune over then words – but that’s immaterial. Anyway, whistling: how’s it work? Have I just been conditioned to know what blow-velocities and degrees of lip-pursing produce which tones? I can hear a song, or note or whatever, and whistle it back nearly pitch-perfect. I guess it just comes with time, eh?

I’m gonna admit something right now, I’ve never seen Goodfellas. Yup, that’s right – and I’m not even gay. I mean, there are quite a few mandatory-man-movies that I’ve somehow missed over the years: Goodfellas, Platoon, Scarface, Full Metal Jacket, Caddyshack, the list goes shamefully on and on. It’s not that I was a practicing non-male or anything, I guess I just never saw ’em. I know, this is cause for excommunication from the secret society – but I just had to get it off my chest. Think of more requisite male-movies, I bet I missed a fair amount of them.

Dude, all this buzz in the media about this about this unbeatable Jeopardy champ got me curious, and I decided to TiVo a couple episodes to see what it’s all about. After thirty consecutive wins, this dude has won nearly a million dollars – all from answering trivia in the form of a question. I pitted myself against him tonight and did OK, but the guy knows some seriously obscure stuff. Watching him trounce the opponents, I couldn’t help but imagine myself in his place… sweeping the categories, ripping through useless facts with a confident posture and cocksure smile, making millions.

Tonight Kristi called me with the perfect setup: she told me she was killing time reading her Jane magazine (not to worry, no more femmagazine bashing), and there was an article about the proliferation of blogs on the internet. She proceeded to read to me from the article, which started out talking about some political pundit site, and then read on: “…or read about the every day musings of an average guy at www.pharaohweb.com…” I about choked, wanting to hang up the phone that instant and call everyone I know (to brag that my blog had hit the big time, Jane magazine of course). After telling her to “shut up” a few times, she broke down and admitted the ruse. As far-fetched as it was, I wish is were real? I mean, what is a “blog” but a big “look at me” sign?

Holy crap, this has got to be the coolest game ever. Sharaun and I sat up for an hour trying to stump it with sitcom characters last night, but it beat us every time (at least, when we knew enough to give it meaningful answers). Try it, pick a sitcom character and then answer the questions as if you were that character – it’s fun with two people because one can think of the character but keep it a secret while the other poses the questions. I mean, we went totally obscure on this thing and it guessed ’em all.

Update: 12:17am, I’ve stumped the damn page! Haha, take that – I’m Fred Mertz from “I Love Lucy,” not Charles from “Charles in Charge.” Triumph! Sweet victory! Playing a dictator/sitcom guessing-game to into the wee hours… who cares! I’m on vacation.

Dave out.

Posted on

the boob bible

Workin' man.
Today, Nokia and Lays Potato Chips team up to bring you: the blog.

A wall-to-wall weekend of work, the likes of which haven’t been seen since last summer’s retaining wall heyday. I taxed myself, and for proof I offer the picture of my working-man’s neck to your right. Five yards of decomposed granite and four yards of shredded cedar needed to be moved from the street in front of my house to the backyard – wheelbarrow by wheelbarrow. The good news is, it’s starting to look like a backyard. Or, at least, I can see my envisioned endgame� and that’s rad. Oh to be done! The good news, I’m on vacation this week – the bad news, I have to go in tomorrow (Monday), because things are rockin’ in the workal area.

Friday night Sharaun and I went to Tahoe to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary with a dinner cruise on the lake. It was a really fun time, and didn’t require too much dosh, so we had a blast. Cruising around the lake in a big ol’ paddlewheel, sipping mixed drinks and listening to some polished cover-band run through such dinner/dance standards as “Margaritaville,” “Play That Funky Music,” and “Brown Eyed Girl.” Saturday night we headed to Pat and Cynthia’s place for some dinner and cocktails. A nice relaxing night by the pool drinking bloody marys and smoking coconut flavored tobacco out of a Palestinian girl’s hookah (no, I’m for real).

The other day I sat down to take a dump, and on top of my normal bathroom-reading fare (a three-ring binder containing the 3rd-9th series of Garbage Pail Kids), sat Sharaun’s latest Cosmopolitan magazine. Thumbing past the multitude of ads to try and find some actual content (try it, that damn magazine must be 75% ads), I landed on a five-page spread about celebrity hairstyles. In this meaty piece of journalism, the writer went over hair “winners” and “losers,” explaining in detail why each was chosen as such. The Pulitzer Prize fodder didn’t end there either, the 25% of pages that had actual writing on them were simply crammed with think-pieces on topics like: “what your man wants to hear in bed,” “thongs or boyshorts,” and even a “boob bible.” Having finished my business thoroughly pissed at the waste of ink that was this woman-fluff, I headed to the living room to find my wife watching a show on VH1 about (drumroll)� celebrity hairstyles! I mean, c’mon people – are we this void of thought?

Time for dead, and I’m outta here. I still haven’t decided on my vacation writing schedule, so I’m not making and promises. Dave out.

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problem #1: ignorant people

GIS for bleeding heart?
I know, it’s been a few days. Well, get used to it. I don’t plan to write much all next week when I’m away on holiday. I’ll try and drop a few entries on ya, but I’m not making any promises. I guess I’ve just been kinda bummed lately with this whole CIU thing… a visit to the allergist this week confirmed that I won’t be able to go on our planned rafting trip next weekend, which meant I had to cancel those reservations. Even crappier, since I didn’t find out until pretty close to the event, they’d only refund me 75% of what we paid in – which effectively means that this “disease” screwed a bunch of people out of $40 each. So, not only was I feeling bad for not being able to make the trip, I felt worse for hitting people in their pocketbooks because of it.

So I did what I do when I’m down, I took a morning off work and used it to work in the yard. I was at the Home Depot by 6:30am and swingin’ a pick by 7am. It’s amazing how much you can get done before noon when you don’t wait until 10am to get started. Got all of zone two sprinklers done, and covered. Just having a flat, un-trenched backyard makes things look so much better – even if it is still all dirt. I formed up the patio, and seeing the outline visually really helps the imagination – you can almost see what it’ll look like when it’s done. Also got five yards of decomposed granite (the base for the pavers-based porch) and 3 yards of cedar mulch for the slope above the retaining wall. After putting just a little mulch on that slope, it makes a big difference? this thing is actually starting to look like a backyard. I’m going to change subjects now, mixing in some of the half-written things I had for the days I skipped this week.

Getting older and taking more of an interest in politics must go hand in hand. Am I supposed to have this much hesitation and distrust of all news sources and politicians? I honestly don’t think I am. Were early Americans so leery? I mean, I have a hard time taking anything as 100%. What do I mean? I mean that whenever a politician or pundit speaks, I automatically assume that at least some of what they say is “spin” or pure crap. Where did this doubt-factor get built in to my thought processes? It’s the same kind of doubt that I have with auto mechanics, thinking that at best they can utter half-truths only. When it comes to politics, I have this built in notion that I have to take whatever I hear with a grain of salt. Everyone, from learned people I know and like, to analysts on Capitol Hill, has their agenda… where can a brother go for the straight dope? Not the Post, not Fox, not CNN?

Right now I’m listening to the new Interpol album, and I gotta say it’s outstanding. I needed to be weaned off the Killers, and I think this may be just the album to do it. My mind is in other places though, calculating volumes of rock and sand and mulch for the backyard, drifting hive-less down a river during my upcoming week off, or thinking back on my weekend on the range (I can still smell the campfire smell on my sneakers, and it’s awesome).

So, to it then. The weekend was outstanding. And like all things that I enjoy immensely, I’ll probably never write a proper entry about it. Suffice it to say (sufficed to say?) that we had a blast, playing cowboy in the high-desert under the shadows of the Sierras. It was relaxing, cathartic, and perfectly timed. Now I’m back in the working-world and once again feeling the pull of Summer, baiting me with every cloudless sunny day, taunting me. I can make it through these next two days and onto my vacation, I know I can.

In other news, today is my fourth wedding anniversary. I’ve been married for four years, been in CA for four years? it’s simply flown by. Four years ago today I was in a small church in Cocoa, Florida, getting married to someone I’d already been with for nearly eight years. Four years ago tomorrow we were arriving at our bed and breakfast in Martha’s Vineyard. I’m old.

Last night I checked my e-mail at home and found a forwarded letter waiting for me. It was from Sharaun’s grandmother, a woman who I love dearly – but also a staunch conservative who often sends Bush-loving, Kerry-hating missives that are making the rounds (you’ve seen the one about Kerry’s houses and that stupid ketchup rumour, I’m sure). I’m not going to get into politics, why quibble over the lesser of two evils – but this letter was a little different. It was a forwarded letter that was supposedly originally written by a father to his sons, regarding the war and terrorism and whatnot. It was long, but it caught my interest and I read the whole thing. For the sake of background, here’s a webized version of what I’m talking about (which is good because it doesn’t have the one-million carats and typos that come from a grandmother-forwarded e-mail). As a disclaimer, I have no idea what that site is about – it was just the first Google return for “muslim terrorists love dad letter.”

Now to the letter, it’s well-written, but some of the lines that I love are: “Why were we attacked? Envy of our position, our success, and our freedoms.” Yeah? Seems a bit classist and elitist to me. I mean, perhaps envy played a role – but I think the real reason lies in these peoples’ belief that our country is so immoral that they are commanded by God to destroy us. Not only that, but they feel that we attacked first. Read Osama’s letter, he tells us why they attack us. Anyway, there is some decent text in the letter, the portion addressing speaking to all Muslims being bad and Hitler’s Germany, etc. But for the most part it takes on a bit of a “conspiracy theory” vibe, talking about France eventually “fading” to the Muslims. I’m not sure, but is this guy trying to justify genocide here? What does the war in Iraq have to do with Muslim terrorists? Are all Iraqis Muslim terrorists?

Problem number one: ignorant people. Problem number two: the belief in divine justification for certain deeds. Either of these problems by themselves can be deadly, but the combination of the two is most certainly. When you have a person or group or persons who believe that they are called by God to do something, and that a) if they don’t do it they will be held accountable by said God, and b) that because it’s done in God’s name and at his command, it is beyond reproach or examination, you’re against a wall. There’s no arguing with it, there’s no logic that you can apply, there’s nothing. Whatever, I’m not defending terrorists… at least that’s not what I intended to do here. Hate me because California is turning me liberal, I guess.

I have nothing more, but I’m sure my logic above is all flawed? so tell me about it. Dave out.

Posted on

can’t get more american

So American...
That picture is of an American flag, a boy with a rifle, and a dog. Both the boy and the dog are waving miniature American flags also, and, my friends… you just can’t get much more American than that. America, where our children carry guns and even our dogs carry flags.

Friday and it’s a slow day at work, as a lot of people have taken the day off to get a jump on the three-day weekend. I thought about doing it myself, but there was some junk to take care of. I took the truck into the shop this morning, can’t wait to see what that bill is like. Stupid truck. At least it’s been good to me lately. Being as it’s getting on in miles, I’ve been treating it more like a “work truck” of late. Abusing it by hauling backyard-landscaping materials, poker tables, etc. What was I saying? Whatever.

I got my Epipen yesterday. Y’know, the thing on which my hopes of survival now rest? Yeah, that thing. It doesn’t have a visible needle or anything, it’s a lot like the thing they used to use on Star Trek Next Generation, where the doc just slammed a pen on your skin and it auto-injects. I just think about having to tell my kids that I can’t go swimming with them, because I’ve got the most obscure “disease” known to man. Hopefully I’ve got the variety that lasts 1-5 years, and this whole mess will go away before too long. OK I’m done talking about it, it’s boring.

No more writing, time to go on vacation. Three-day weekend, I’m comin’ for ya. Dave out.

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if you could sit here in this room

You won't believe this...
Honestly guys, could my life get any sweeter? I mean, I just took stock a minute ago. Sometimes it’s good to take stock, y’know? I was walking down the street in San Francisco, a chill in the air. I’m headed to my hotel, coming from a fine meal at a trendy open-air Spanish restaurant where I dined with managers two levels above me. Managers who I took beer for beer, letting them digest my name, an awesome guy to hang out with. The guy that tells jokes, the guy that gets by on his personality. So we bustle down the streets, talking of important business. And that’s how I end up here, typing on my laptop in my executive level 43rd floor hotel room. Where I have free access to the “executive lounge” and my room has a 30ft wall of windows which offer up the most stunning view of the San Franciscan skyline I’ve ever seen. I sit in my huge room, watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force in my boxers, the lives of millions of San Franciscans playing out hundreds of feet below me. Honestly, I’m on top of the world right now – cold urticaria and all. Now if they only have bloody mary mix in the mini-bar. Seriously, if you could sit here in this room and look over the city lights with me, you’d jizz. It’s that freakin’ awesome.

Not only that, but things are going well. I’m once again making visual progress on the backyard, with the work on the porch to commence in a week or so. My presentations went great today, I have a penthouse suite and nothing to do, and I’m three beers into a good feeling. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is over and I managed to find a new episode of Reno 911. Maybe I’ll make some coffee, because, see, I can do that. Right now I can do whatever I want. If I want to go downstairs and go out, I can. If I want to stay right here and sleep until 2am then wake up and watch the city for hours, I can. Come to think of it, I am kinda tired. But just to refresh – I don’t have to go to sleep or anything, because I am king of this hotel room. Maybe I’ll take a bath, I don’t think I’ve done that in years. I mean, I bathe, just not in a “bath” is all.

Oh man, this coffee is terrible. It looks like tea it’s so weak, and it tastes like hot water with a dash of coffee flavor. Yuk, I really wanted some coffee too. Man, you guys know what I should do? I should totally order room service. Like, some dessert or something. You guys wanna see what they have? Yeah, let’s check it out (let’s is short for “let us,” which sounds wrong). Holy crap guys, I’m totally drunk with power. Want proof? I just ordered a platter of chicken wings with bleu cheese dressing and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. Why did I do this? I’m not even hungry, I only did it because I can. That’s right, I’m not even hungry. I probably won’t even eat it all, and I might even throw it away if I get tired of looking at it. Because that’s the extravagant life I live. Heck, I may even wake up in the middle of the night and make these fools bring some damn shrimp cocktail up 43 floors to my door, I’m not paying for it. Biatch.

It’s not that I don’t have anything more to say, I could go on like this forever – but I don’t feel like writing anymore. And going with the theme of me doing whatever the heck I want, I’m done with this blog.

Dave out.

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you’re just chicken

Hot dogs are beef? I coulda sworn they were pork.I was thinking of all the jobs I can’t do anymore now that I have my new disease. Can’t be the coach of a Super Bowl winning football team, I couldn’t survive the traditional Gatorade and ice dousing. Can’t be a SCUBA diver or ice fisherman. Can’t be a ski instructor or pro wakeboarder. Can’t be a Shamu-rider at Sea World, or a chainsaw-wielding ice sculptor. Can’t be Santa Claus, can’t be a meat packer. Bummer. Good thing I’m a computer engineer who gets to sit in a climate-controlled cubicle all day. The worst I have to worry about is hemorrhoids or maybe some kind of “repetitive stress injury.” I knew I went to school for something other than a lifetime-long school loan repayment plan.

So I’m gonna keep talking about this thing because it’s what’s on my mind of late. I was reading online that cold-induced urticaria can come up at any time, and last either: a) forever, or b) one to five years. Gimme a #2 and that scantron… I’m clearly and neatly bubbling in ‘b’ on this one. For real though, one to five years? I wonder what deity I angered to be cursed with this? Not only is it an extremely crappy ailment, it comes off as very dubious to the uninitiated. Like when everyone is like, “Come on y’allz, let’s swing off this kickass ropeswing into the lake!” And everyone is like, “Heck yeah, that ropeswing looks so fun and awesome!” Then Dave goes, “You guys go ahead, I’ll just stay on the shore – I’m allergic to cold water.” “Yeah right,” says everyone, “You’re just too chicken to do the ropeswing so you made up a fake disease!” “No, for real guys, it’s called cold-induced urticaria,” I reply. “Sounds more like cold-induced chicken-caria to us, bawk bawk!” comes the chorus. Sigh… woe is me.

While telling everyone about it at work, the question that comes up most is “Is this very common?” Which, I’m pretty sure, is a polite way to ask if it’s real or if it’s just something in my head. Either way, that got me thinking… how can I make some money off my new sickness? Maybe I could start a webpage that would be like a cold-induced urticaria support group. Then I could charge money or something. You know, cold-induced urticarians unite! Power to the people and all that crap. Maybe now that a person of such high profile, such as myself, has this disease, it will raise awareness of the tens of others who are suffering this very minute.

On the music-tip, I’ve had my MP3 IV set on a full drip of the Killers’ LP “Hot Fuss” for about a week now. The more I listen to it, the more I like it. From front to back it’s got some great tunes, even if they are in that becoming-ever-more-popular Hot Hot Heat/Franz Ferdinand vein. I don’t care, I’ve come to realize that, with the sudden increase in popularity of good music, I’m gonna have to be OK with sometimes finding new choons from the MTV or even a Toyota commercial. It’s cool, I’m cool with that. So yes, it was me you spotted driving around town with several lengths of 20ft schedule 40 PVC hanging out either end of a green Ford Explorer, listening to the Killers’ track “On Top” at a heinously ear-ruining volume. I don’t even care, that song kicks major butt… I’ll listen to it non-stop if I want to… so shut up. You’ll still not catch me with the Justin Tenderlegs or Ursher or anything featuring Lil’ John coming from my Alpine.

Time to go practice for my presentations tomorrow, nothing like being last minute. Dave out.